Are you ok?

The question that when we need it to be asked it

never is, the question we all lie to because we know

when they ask they don't rlly care all that much. Am I ok?

Everyone keeps telling me my pain will just turn

into memory but I don't want to remember the

pain. It's agonising I feel like my skin is burning

and I'm trapped in something far worse then hell

I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up

every morning hiding away from my mirror so I

don't catch glimpses of myself and hate what I see

I don't want to starve myself for days to be perfect

for you I can't keep going on an empty stomach.

Why is no one around me noticing I am literally

deteriorating infront of them all they do is con-

gratulate and praise me because when u go from

fat to skinny you're given a well done for destroy-

ing yourself from the insides out. Does that mean

it's ok? Does that mean I should keep going and

going until there's nothing left of me to lose.

Why can't u understand all I needed was a lie, all

I needed was u to hold me and lie and tell me it's

all gonna be ok. What makes me so difficult to

love? Ur only job was to unconditionally love me

and even then u struggled so why?

I am drowning, u are killing me and u r enjoying

it. I am crying hysterically for the simplistic

favour of a hug, I just need a hug I just need to

feel loved before u take any more of me that I

don't have to give. I am so so tired. My eyes are

sore and achy and my legs are weak and brittle

and I can't keep holding on when there is noth-

ing left to hold on for. I am watching my whole

world fall to pieces right in front of me and there

is nothing I can do but just watch as all my walls

crumble. Im done. I am done. You judge me for

having human heart that's breaks everytime I

breath but u don't understand that I just want

to eat without the guilt. I want to eat without

checking the calories and without overthinking

with every bite I consume. I want my body to feel

like mine and not just a by product for the male

gaze. Let me eat without making me feel like I'm

worthless. Let me eat without me gagging on the

fork. Let me eat without me thinking about my

stomach and my thighs and my arms Let me eat

without fetishising the feeling on cold crisp water

landing in an empty stomach. Let me eat without

those judging eyes that cause more harm then u

intend. Let me eat let me eat let me fucking eat.

By Sheana